Short note that I'm somehow still alive...somehow

Why....yes...

I'm an idiot whom know 

that I should go sleep at reasonable hour 

to wake up early 

for cleaning and pick up my visit....

yet I sew not-totally-necessary-thing, 

finished Chimi Kyara Gekijou, 

cook rice, eggs and natto, 

repaired messed wardrobe 

(aka all my handing things fell 

down in my lord wardrobe =___=") 

and then finally got to bed with 

"I-read-just-a-one-doujin" plan, 

noticed there is update on certain manga. 

Update have "only" 60 pages 

(and I read manga pretty slowly you bet). 

Then read that one doujin, 

and return to "aaaaawww" parts about 10times. 

 

So now it's 4am.

 My plan is to get up at 9am,

to be able to do everything I need.

Next two days 

(and I personally assume the night between...) 

gonna be total hell 

(yet I'll enjoy it damn much) 

and I plan to go read another doujin.

Please kill me.

And kill me now!!!

P.S. Everyday I drag pretty heavy bag
(my friend jokingly call it kit-bag)

And next two days I'll continue.

I can hear my muscles growing!!!

>__<"

Uneasy

Once again I'm home.




Actually that's not what I wanted to write about...

The thing is that I feel like losing myself.

It's not about change.
Just losing.

When I'm home with my family, 

with my two younger siblings,

I simply feel like a failure.

I cannot do anything right

and I just keep strugling.
Having them set quite high standarts.

There is not so many things I can be good at.

I know it.
My final exam at school was awesome...

...but that's all.
I'm not good in anything...actually I'm pretty bad I think.

Even my siblings don't really care,

yet I try to do.
But I can understand them.
We have nothing in common...

...except parents.

And the worst is when both of them are home together.

I sometimes feel like invisible.

I thought I found something I can do,

and which can kill some of my time in usefull way.

After one really good lolita meetup...

...

...everything stopped.

I can just go and make new meetup all alone...

...and on top I ended as the still-angry one again.

And also tried to be changed.

Problem is...that things I'm really

excited about to do,

I do with full of my heart.

So when I can organize something,

I'm happy but serious.

And I thought about help with

one girl's dream.

For making big event.

Really big one.

To do something I'll be good at,

and also which can make people happy.

I believe in myself with it.

I know what to do.

How to embrace that dream.

And I probably went too serious about it.

...just because I see it as serious thing.

I cannot help.

But they don't have time for it.

And since we're team of three...

...I cannot do it alone.

So all my excitement and whole the long time plan...

...just stopped.

And I just look into my notebook to kill my time.

I feel more sunken than I was before.

But they just wanna care about themselves.

When they need me, they call me.

But the worst thing is trying to change me.
Telling me that I should or shouldn't do this.

It makes me angry.

And even worst...

telling me that I'm nice and intelligent,

and that I can get over it.

Just give me break, please.

What do you know?

Sometimes I just cannot go over it.

I try to do everytime.

When my siblings nearly bully me.
When I try to do the best, to be carring,

to be good friend...to try to help others

and my lolita community...

And I just end up as a bad and angry one.

I was trying to help you with your dream,

and I ended up being lectured about me and my life.
When newbies are mean to you, just because

you showed you're human same as them.

Yeah, you all says it's fun.

But is it really?

How much you know about people,

before starting to repair their life even 

that you wasn't asked for help.

Since I do not need it.

Currently aside my family,

I need just two people...

...and my plush fox.

Don't ask for helping me...

...just give me break sometimes.

I forgot half things that I wanted to write.

I guess it's okay.

Since only who's gonna read it is me after some time.

Last month...or so...

Long time no see!
...AGAIN!!!

Yeah my fault again.

I know, I know.
But first I have no time,

and then I was lazy and at home.

I mean my real home,

not Prague.

But now I'm quite back.

What everything changed?

Well...Cosplay ball is successfully gone.

But I have to admit, it was real fun!

Since playing games with Darcia

and my brother...
(since we stayed at his place)

till ball itself
and also way in night city to flat.

Even way there was fun!
I somehow knew where to go,

but we decided to follow

one pair who I thought also went there.

Yeah, they did...

but soon, they followed us lol.

But since I'm really good navigator,

we successfully arrived,

skipped whole qeue,

(thanks to my ninja skills and Yuki at front)

and got free welcome drink!

(Some even two. God bless people who don't drink!!!)

Honestly...

I was trully surprised by whole ball.

From decoration to atmosphere including also music.

 And people was really nice.

And cute! 

♡

Here are some of my friends from lolita~

I found my new prey and also old one
(yet, she's still young...or immortal!)

And also old enemy...

...we fought...

...and I won!
And everyone lived happily ever after!
(IT-REALLY-HAPPENED!)

She's immortal, right?

Here is video!

And also last, but not least~
Let me introduce you,
my own lolita gang:

HOLY TRINITY!!!

 I made this name on our chat just randomly,
but I really like it so we started to use it.
Mainly for an organization of meet up.
For now just one, first in row.
It'll happen this Saturday.
Hope it'll be fun and we got blessings!
(lol)


 So currently we worked hard
(lol or not)
on this meetup.
It's chocolate themed and with
dress code.
But also with program and photoshooting.
I hope the weather will be good.
Since last two days snowed and today rain.
I beg you weather!
Please be nice!
 (^o^)"




Maybe you noticed that I still lacking in
365 Lifestyle Lolita Challenge...
Actually I'm lacking in many things in my life
(as excercising, German, eating...lol)
...but let's face the fact that'll probably not gonna continue.
YET!!! Unlike 30 day lolita challenge...
I TRIED HARD!!!
(lol)

Some other news:
(Except that I'm lazy but it's not new)
☆ I changed work

☆ Due to this I started to eat again
(It's 2 days for now lol)
☆ I want to live again
(well...mostly lol)
☆ I GOT THAT DAMNED VIP AT URBAN FAIRYTALE!!!
(To both day actually)

BTW if someone go there and will like to share hotel room,
please let me know!

☆ I plan another tattoo...
☆ ...and another earring.
☆ I started to use special hashtag
on Instagram and it's
#littleadventuresi
(i - goes for Iri lol)
☆ Finally I saw Le Petite Prince and cried a lot!!!

Also...
If you know some interesting story/fairytale
including strong prince character,
please let me know!
Or else I'll have to go for Frog prince...
...and I'm afraid I'll not get kiss. (;A;)


I think that's all today.
Hope to see you soon again!

Good night!!!

Oh...and nearly forgot!
I drew after ages again~

This one is for Darcia
Message included on Facebook:
"For always stick with me.
Even that I know it have to be damn terrible and exhausting.
And for always listening my whines and don't give up,
even that I'm such an emo sometimes or mean or grumpy.
I'm very thankful for having you. ♡

...and that you have guts to be my Willhelm! >:D"

at 4 a.m.

This is status I post just a minute about on my FB.

Due to circumstances.
I may be romantic or dumb.

Or both.
You can decide and think what you want.

But this is what I believe in and feel as a love.

It's now not accepted.
But I hope I don't push and don't try to push or convince.
(In agressive way (and also hope that not in annoying.))
And still cherish that friendship we have.
But people constantly talk me over to stop,

to give up.

So here is my thought about it all...

~~~

Stories about great love are maybe only stories, and maybe they never happened, but none of them end up "I'm gonna give up on her."
Love means sacrifice.
Which is what make it valuable, and which is most optional in possitive way. Because sacrifice is not only about suffering.
Most of girls (or even boys) dream about someone will love them greatly and unconditionally. Love them for their very being.
Yet when you hear about someone who do, you try to convince them to stop.
I don't mind it. I mind nothing. I don't mind sacrificing something in neither way, negative or possitive, I don't mind being dumped, I don't mind waiting.
I just feel what I feel. And I know it's not desire for something with is unavailable for me.
Yeah sometimes I'm depressed, sometimes I'm driven in fear and anxiety...but there are times I'm incredibly happy for just one sentence, or just one mean joke which for some reason makes me feel warm inside.
I want to thank you for all your concern, and I know many of you keep telling me various things because you care and because you see how unhappy I'm sometimes. But most of you don't see the happy times, most of you don't feel them like I do.
I never said I'll wait for forever or that I'll turn my back to other people. But I'm not going to give up, just because many of you gonna convince me.
Yes, this all makes me unhappy, but it also makes me happy, so it's like life itself.
You cannot talk about love and try to make someone to kill their.
And I cannot simply give up, or stop for any reason...because I feel what I feel.

...and because I really like one of my fictional character and take him as my hero! >:P

 ~~~

Days

Where are all oyur friends at night like this?

At night when your world fall apart?

And once again you gonna find out something

you already learn very good.

It's up on you.

Every single thing.

Every unpicked call.

Every while You try to try hard

for "I'm sorry I don't have time."

Is it friendship to just say:

"I'm sorry we already talked about this."

In such an annoyed  way.

Is it okay to say
"Everyone do it like this."?

Or to apologize because you're

not brave enough and try to do something to undo

the things you take as mistakes?

Because you can say "I can never undo."?

Or are friends people which are coward

to tell their crush they're with you again in three days

when before they said "I didn't see you for months."
Just for them to be jealous?

Maybe I'm just heartless to others,

when I always took my friends as precious.

I never cannot understand

"My boyfriend forbid me to go to concert, he's jealous."

Maybe I just loved less.

Or maybe I just think different.

And today I thought again
"How hard it should be to get rid of problems?

To leave everything behind and end the rest?"

Am I coward that I continue to live?

Maybe just have too big imagination...

...when I see something in my future path,

when I just see nothing there.

Is it right to lie myself,

to draw forest in path which is in reality

just long grey hall which probably don't end by light?

It's probably insane to still believe.

Belive your dreams when right when you

glued last piece back they got crushed again.
Or maybe just stupid...

Unfortunatelly...beying all of this, or something other...

I cannot just give up.

Once I started and it cannot forget it in the end.

One you try it, it'll always leave trace in your heart and your life.

Maybe I just cannot end.

I cannot give up.

And cannot stop trust myself.
But can it be because I never forgot how to be

Egoist

?

In the end this sounds pretty selfish...

but actually it's not.

Just my thought during harsh while.

My air castles crashed down.

It's okay...I already started to build

Châteu close to the ruins...

Because I have dream for too long

To simply give up...

And my life goes on.

Day 1 - Lolita challenge

 Here comes first day of lolita challenge

I'm trying here.
So, let's go!

Day 1 – 10 things about your lolita bubble.

1 - I started lolita before circa 8-9 years

My first dresses was handmade by my mother,

black red wa lolita outfit

(you can say replica of BodyLine lol)
(but without that butterfly print)

2 - There are some things I'm like collector with.
I have many minihats and headresses, 

gloves and hoses or stockings.
And most of them really not using.

That's sad.

3 - And here is other thing I like to collect.

This time not piece of clothes.

I love false eyelashes!

Many shapes, colors, with gems,

with feathers, with sparkles or even shaped.

If they're not ridiculously expensive, I love them!

4 - I love platforms!
My first and mostly used are black platform boots

with highheels, such aristocratic shoes!

I bought my first RHS just maybe before two months.

Now I have black and red.

5 - Most of years till now I was used to wear dark colors.

Now I'm more open to wear colors I didn't for long time.

And even to try more styles.

6 - I'll probably never gonna be lifestyle lolita.

I'm caught between world of fashion and world of music.

And I think music is more essencial.

So I'm closer to this.
And at all if lifestyle...I'll be rather lifestyle aristocrat

than lifestyle lolita. Sorry.

7 - I'm not really so much into patterns.
There are some of them I really adore,
I don't deny. (And most of them are just simple)

But I don't even remember to be into patterns previously.

I really like to buy fabrics with nice pattern, 

but not so much into lolita patterns.

8 - As I wrote about music, my biggest

lolita inspiration is Kaya.
I don't think he's truly lolita, he's more lady

and queen, but I still have him as inspiration.

Thanks to him I totally adore wigs.

I don't see wigs like lolita must-have.

It should not be like this. I can go without.

(to tell the true, not now...my hair are...ehm...)

But for me wigs are love! ♡

(but I cannot use extentions @.@)

9 - I don't like some styles.

Like sailor lolita or bittersweet.

And I don't like girls doing kodona or aristocrat

having breast while it.

Guy with the breasts?

You should be prince...not new half prince.

(yeah I know not all kodonas and aristos are princes but...!!!)
Edit from 6.1.2016 - I don't really mind anymore. lol

10 - Hm...last fact? I don't really know.

Maybe that I don't really care so much about
local or country lolita community.
There are few people I like very much and
these are my friends.

Soooo~
Successfull end of day 1!

Thank you

Summer end~

Another convention is succesfully behind.

I'm gonna post later when I'll download all photos.

But for me it was one of most awesome ones.

Even that I still miss some...

...my company was awesome!!!

Lately mornings start to be cold, don't you think?

Well...summer wasn't THAT hot after all, but still.

And the cold air and foggy mornings~

Fall came into our days...

I'll enjoy it as much as I can!

Since fall...I love fall.

Fall came into our days but not into our hearts~

In my heart it's like second spring during year...

スキスキスキ～♡

I have some minor plans for this fall.
But first I have to manage new plan in work... (=___=")

Probably 3 days 15 hours every week...

I'm gonna die.

Also with new hair comming to my house

I realized there is no more room if it stays like this.

So lil reorganization.

And then I can start with everything.

I'll bring it to life and hope it'll survive!
So let's see!!!

Maybe you can call me happy

for many reasons.

But if you ask me directly...

I'll probably say

"I finally feel alive only~"

He's gonna be happy ♡

But my lil Kitsunehito stayed in Prague

(;A;)
I already miss him.

But I think he's doing good.

Awww...now I wanna exchange with him (lol)

I think that for now that's all I probably wanted to write.

I should add some picture...

So...here and enjoy~

Summer anime convention No.02 - ADVík 2014

So once again I decided to attend ADVík.
For the 5th time year.
Although I said it'll be last time, last year.

But I kept it in secret for nearly everyone.
Reason?
I don't know exactly...

Maybe some kind of saving my nerves.

Everyone may ask about my Gakupo cosplay.

About presentations.

I don't know.

Kaori and her wings!

Of all 4 days I attend just 3 of them, 

but still I joined it.
Thursday I arrived to Ayame's house,

meet her mom and wish her safe trip, 

since she went off to weekend.

Till the night we practiced duet which

we should sang together.

Unfortunatelly Ayame's throath condition

went even worse so we didn't sing it at all.

Even worse thing was that for some reason

I didn't practiced my song enough.

As I heard record...

It wasn't THAT bad.
But Kaori is right.
I can do it BETTER!

But whole day started with.
"Thank you Ayame for waking me up for the

karaoke check and practice I should be there."
Now thinking about it...she wasn't even little bit sorry.

I think about it since she's still angry for one thing.

Thus I never was angry for this and I love singing and wanna be there.

No...I'm not that generous.

Thing is...I was able to get there even without it.

Even that it was obligate!
*sigh*

Sorry just a little thought...

Awesome Slovakian Rosiel!!! (*o*)

But That day I met many many people.

Some people again after some time.

Some people again after very long time!
Some people for first time!
But it seemed we all had fun!

Bunch of my slovakian friends I start to adore so much.

Cosplay of Trip came to me and was like.
"Hello! Do you remember me?"
"I have no clue who you're honestly!" (O.o)"
"Yui from Jupiter concert!"
"OMG...you look totally different!"
She looked so awesome!!!
Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ

Hime first day I met her!!! (*o*)

Then I met hime and she was gorgeous as always!
Everyday in awesome gown~

I simply love her designs!

Love v(*￣▽￣*)〃▽〃)Love 

 And then I met someone very interesting.

Immediatelly caught my eye.

Perfect for molesting!

（￣～￣;）

ﾋﾟｭｰｯ!≡≡≡ﾍ(*ﾟ∇ﾟ)ﾉ 

(ノﾟДﾟ)メ（＾∀＾）ノ  

 

（。_°☆＼（- - ） バシっ！

☆⌒(＞。≪)イタイ

Σ(ﾟ∀´(┗┐ヽ(･∀･ )ﾉ 

~(>_<。)＼ イタタ

I was kicked, beaten with a micro etc...

As always...most agressive prey at all con.

My secret ability!

Thus it usually means the most interesting

person there!!!

（￣～￣;） 

Kent and Lena...oh...Lena and Kent!!! (^o^")

We went to the photoshooting following
Kent, Lena and Kyuu...

Was fun!!!
Kyuu did really great poses while photoshooting!!!

But as a photographer!!!

(Kyuu gonna kill me!!!)
(￣▽￣)ノ＿彡☆バンバン！!

I say nothing...rather! (OoO")

It followed even with me joined! >:D

I think I'm dead...Kyuu gonna kill me...

I should say something to defend me!

For these photos.

Yet I have feeling it'll make it even worse!

So I keep quiet...I'm not here!

(OxO)

But it all was fun.

Also during a day I met my friend which made

music themed presentation.

This time after another dissagreedment with rules

I decided to not take any.

Unfortunatelly he asked us for make him

spare program with playing at least some PVs!

Here came the problem!
I didn't have my HDD with me.
PC without internet,

withou wifi so I cannot share my cellphone internet.

Thanks god JR was here!!!
(my fav org from last year~)

 Came with USB and we saved it!!!

I got little bit angry since girl which had that presentation,

and cannot make it due her health state,

came to se spare program of HER PRESENTATION!

In cosplay...seriously?

｡･"(＞0＜)"･｡ﾝﾓｫ〜 

Later I told her, what I think of it.

I'm not someone who just shut their mouth,

when I don't like something.

Especially when she didn't have another

of her presentation jsut next day.

But we already was prepared since 

friend asked me to make some presentation.

I made brand new Jupiter - Kamijo one.

Well...it went little bit...uhm...wasn't perfect.

I had just a little info on paper...

and Ayame left it at home! 

(＊__ _｡)ﾉｷﾐﾜノ ヽ``┼┐ﾃﾞｽｶ? 

You kidding me? (;A;) 

Hime another day, still gorgeous.

Okay...as I said that I make no presentations...
(And my mom remembered me I did yesterday! lol)

...I cannot say no, when I'm savior!!!

(￣▽￣)ノ＿彡☆バンバン！!

So...it's already second day I'm talking about.

 To much themes one over other *sigh*

That day I went as a Gakupo that day.

Some friends said they go as well.

And I took that "Samurai version"

There I have to say that Ayame

did really good job with my make up!

I really liked my angry eyebrow
（｀ー´）

 "Hey you look so angry today! What's up!"
"It's just way my eyebrow is delineated!"

Hehehe...

Also my "hunt" continued.

But I was honestly little bit dissapointed

when heard that it's last day my prey was there.

Okay...maybe little bit more.

(_　_|||) 

I don't like when it don't goes 

according to my plans!

Yet I don't think it end up bad at all.

Chrome Hearts lady Munamu...with garbage! >:D

I met Munamu after very long time!
She looked great with pink hair!
And my BFF Maki!!! (lol)

 I still don't get why we while sitting don't and talking

still talked about work!
(=____=")

 We grew toooooo old!

(=___=")

Also Munamu's throat condition wasn't very good.

Whe have long termed problems with it,

poor thing.

So I offered her to send me her presentation for Mejibray

and I will just read it.

 We told it to the music part org as before.

Everything seemed okay.

We again went photoshooting with

same crew!
Holding photographer on arms?

Σ(・ω・ノ)ノ!ｗ 

OF COURSE I HAD TO PROVE

I CAN DO IT AS WELL!!!

It wasn't really that easy (=___='')
Kyuu's platforms was really heavy!

ヾ(＾∇＾)
No, really...just my wig, kimoo and platforms...

Not really perfect for such a thing, but I did it!!!

It was thing about my pride!!!

But it was still "Don't tremble!" (=___=")

"Put your sleeve away!" (=___=")

"Don't move!" (=___=")

"Stay still!" (=___=")

AWWWWWWWwwwww...

And then others told me 

KYUU WAS ALL TIME LAUGHTING ON MY BACK!!!

Pfff...

＼(>o<)／

Hahaha...funny...

You see this?! Not even smile! Why laugh on MY back?

Later we just talk a lot and I had fun.

It have lot to do with the previous post.

So no need to write more.

And yes I made Ayame angry.

I have to admit I care less and less as I write all this.

We got Aiko and Kaori to sleepover at Ayame's.

Wasn't that fun as it should be.

Ayame angry on me, should make presentation

that she should already have, since got

months of time for it!!!

Also we should create dolly kei outfit

for fashion walk for my other friend.
Lot of her models excused themselves.

Sucks...

Ayame's selfie with Kyuu...I wonder where is mine! (=__=')

And here again I'm gonna be killed!
I should defend myself, but still...

...oh no! Kyuu have such a cute smile when showing teeth!!! (;A;)
Kyuu you're very kyuute!
Please forgive me! (TT^TT)

But she just sit there and play videos of Nu'est

to those two poor things.

"Ayame!"
"Ayame!"
"Ayame!"
I told her every 5 minutes that she said

we'll make outfit and then finished presentation,

not play damn videos.

Later at least Kaori seemed to have happy while

with two Ayame's kittens.

And me and Aiko laughed hard about

vk pictures and Gackt's video with Kiryu Shou!

Also even before we came home I was like.

"Let's check Munamu's presentation!"

There was NOTHING!!! on my mail.

Called her.

Wrote her.

No response.

At morning also.
Of course I was p*ssed.

Ayame forced me to at least download some videos.

At morning I got bad mood.

Because of the presentation.

And then also because of her whinning.

 Self pitting.

I screwed her, really.

I cannot hold it in me anymore.

Finally arrived to place.

Went for the fashion walk check.

Waited there.

Try to get in touch with Munamu whom wrote me.

"I'm sorry I felt asleep!"

ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)ﾉ 

SERIOUSLY???

But message from Kyuu made me calmer...

...till while I went to Ayame tell her

"Please say to Ayame..." part.

No...really...she got me again.

I got angry again, wanted to tell her something.

Then I just waved my hand and walked away.

That was morning without Ayame.

After those two days so peacefull.

I spend it with hime at her workshop.

I was her folding fan,

went for food and drink for Kent, Lena and some others

who attend.
Hime said she's not hungry.

But I brought her curry.

I knew she loved me at that while!!!
(￣▽￣)ノ＿彡☆バンバン！!

Even with quote:
"Some young blond aristocrat send you this."
(since I got still Gakupo wig XD)

It was really so nice and calm.

Saved another people presentation since I lend them

my HDD so they can move it from notebook to PC.

And I found mirror at workshop class!!! >:D

In the end I didn't got Munamu's presentation.

She wrote something about "Cannot be send." 

Or something.

Plan B...or D? dunno

Which of my presentation I can use and don't need to change it?!

D...no way!
Fifth year in row! Kill me please.

Kaya, changes...everything neede changes.

Except!!!

Of course!
My nearly legendary...two times presented!!!
(or three?)

Visual Kei styles!
Yes!
I'll do this!!!

*heavenly radiance everywhere*

I HAVE NO NOTES FOR IT!!!

∑(O_O；)Shock！！

Luckily I had...I think last year version

So never PVs etc.

I did it!!!

I still remembered everything as it went one by one!

(~-~;)ヾ(-_-;)

I thought I'll cry in happiness.

Okay I forgot two or three things!
Minor ones.

But I remembered later!

And also it was two hours presentation...

I put into one only!!!

*tears of happiness*

But my audience was awesome.

I was glad they came even 

that it was announced just 2-3 hours before!

Also one boy came to me

asked me if there is presentation

 for downloading somewhere. 

Since I do minimalistic presentations

with just few text and pictures.

 

 So I promised him to write it on his mail.

But I heard more people

will like to have it.

So I think about make it here on blog online.

Bilingual.

Both English and Czech.

So it'll take me some time maybe.

Fane came to see us even before fashion walk

and our presentations.

And after everything we made

SUSHI PICNIC!!!

Yeeeeeeey!!!

ｳｨｰｯ へ((￣ー￣*))))....〜〜((((*￣ー￣))ﾉ ﾋｯｸ

I still owe you Paris post and rock festival one.

Week of working is comming.

And just month till next convention.

But somehow I feel like I gained new power!

（＾＿－）☆wink

I do not promise you anything!

But I hope I can do it!!!

ヾ(*≧∇≦)おやすみいーっ(≧∇≦*)ﾉ 

Feeling

Do you know this feeling?
The one you still need someone

but that actually no one needs you?

I'm not starting to be depresive.
I just feel like this right now.

And it doesn't really matter if

family, friends or someone you love.
(Hahaha...at last)

Why you try hard to interest others,

When they don't need to be interested by you?

My brother came home and my family left me behind again.

I was in work and they got dinner and fun.
My friend forgot me since she went back from some trip.

For other mask it with learning.

And I'm just preparing for piknik wher I don't really care for those people.

Why this looks so normal?

We should be honest to others.

But maybe first we need to be honest to self.

Why I do it?
I assume myself to be massochist.

Emotional.

So...good night

Me and roleplay

In life I often feel sad.

Because of many reasons.

But when I play roleplay with her I'm happy.

I know it's not real, but I feel real there.

I cry and laugh behind the monitor,

because of our story.

It's not ideal world.

Even story it's full of difficulties.

I feel happy to play that young cute boy, 

which is feeling like a girl and like flirting...

went throught sad parts of life,

Was cheated and nearly killed his twin brother,

But still had friends who supported them,

and even when he didn't want to search for new love,

he found it.

It's still not end of the story,

if there ever be end...most probably not.

But I love that boy.

My little Mii-chan.

I felt his suffering and even his happiness.

I cried as he did when his brother woke up finally.

My heart beated fast when he fell in love.

It may be childlish and strange,

but this inner world of mine and hers mean lot.

Started as a small break between our looooong stories,

became even greater in no time.

But it's not only my Mii-chan.

I feel like this often.

Try to not lost any of my roleplays.

Also very often they remind me of my own life.
Not reflecting it

Sometimes I just remember what happened or what I did when I wrote this or that.

Because not everytime we sat infront of our PCs.

If I want or not (and I do)

roleplaying is something which gives me meaning.

When I was younger I wanted to write stories.

Like this I do.

It's not like writers do, but since there're two of us,

sometimes we came with very awesome ideas.

You can call our stories silly.

Maybe they're, but we're not.

Silly people don't write thousands and thousands pages

by such a stories.

We did.

Maybe I'm not writer as I wanted, but I still feel good like this.

With my stories I'm sure I made two people happy.

Maybe two are not so much,

but I can bet for those two at least,

don't you think so?

Sometimes we didn't even chat about personal things.

Well sometimes it wasn't good.

But sometimes I was like

"I feel down. Some Mii-chan will make me better if you like."

I'm not everytime like she's.

Because her taste sometimes it's so...

Hm...melancholic and heavy...

And I can try but know I'll not play on 100%

But to tell the true I feel bad then.

That I wasn't able to play what she want.

But I hope she understand.

She know me for long.

And somehow I think that better than I know her.

(shame on me =___=")

I met her on roleplay.

For long years one of my very good friends.

And not only her.

Since one spring day~
I met someone who changed my life
and I think that forever.

Now reading our old chats,

even those were like roleplay.

*giggle*

It's that special type of person, who'll never really leave you.

Who if they go where ever, they'll still be with you.

I'm sure that some of my friends gonna be same,

just maybe it's not time yet.

This was like it from very start

and it'll be till very end.

Because till we meet again...

we'll always be together.

Blooming sakuras are sad,

in buddhism are falling sakura's petals symbol of death.

I very often feel it same, for many reasons.

(X is silly reason, but still reason)

But also it's one of most happy moment in my life.

Sometimes it's hard to watch blooming trees 

and feel tears of sadness and happiness together in your eyes.

Why do I like Mii-chan that much?
He's cute boy, who is in some ways strong, but need someone

to protect him as well.

He acts silly and childlish sometimes.

Just because he's like this.

He's being himself.

Because his family, and friends love him like that.

He can be everything I was never able to be.

Simply because I cannot afford it.

Because beying like this will mean,

that people will hurt me even more.

 But I can be like it, when I play.

I played way more type of persons.

And if you play with such a passion and put your life in it,

it'll put it's life into you.

 Why do I love roleplaying?

Not because I wanna be god and rule.

But because every my character I created 

or cocreated is piece of me.

 And I'm piece of them.

Now it's all better.
So maybe I can go sleep.

お(^о^〃)や(^О^〃)しゅ(^。^〃)みぃ(^-^〃)♪