Apathy and Depression

If you wanna tell me it can't exist next to each other...

Believe me.

It can...

I'm loosing myself...

*sigh* Give my data back!

My external HDD somehow died...

Or at least looks like it...
All my data away now.

So now in the middle of the night I'm making list of new bands I wanna listen.

But I still hope to revive my data!

Somehow I see chance to change something a little by a new music.

But for now...

All my photos,

all my favorite mangas,

all my favorite anime,

all my favorite pictures,

all my music is somehow gone...

I believe they'll be revived but for now~

LIFE'S GOING ON!!!

The tale of egoist...in fact...just try to understand myself. No need to read

I often say I'm perfect...I often say I'm awesome.

I know it's not true.

Even that some people sometimes say this.

But I often got laughed.

Sometimes I got used to this.

Sometimes it really hurts.

I'm probably too weird for this country.

I'm probably too weird for my friends.

At these times I just feel like I wanna vanish.

At times like now.

It's hard to pretend that everything is ok and that I'm happy,

when I'm not.

Today way home from city was really long for me.

Not only because I have new boots and my feets are totally destructed.

No...I thought really much.

About myself.

And cried.

If I'll be able to make one more step I'll love to go outside for the walk.

Just me and freezing night.

Just cloud of my breath and pale nightlight.

Just to be sure I can cry and nobody will see but don't feel alone.

But no help.

I just wanted to write here my heart off.

I know my english is not perfect, but for me it's easier to write here with english.

Not for people to read it.

It just make more sense for me than my mother language.

As I said...I was thinking about myself.

About who I'm. About why I act like I do.

Maybe...I feel like it help me.

And I want just write it down here for myself.

My my selfish reasons.

Yeah...I'm selfish, arguing a lot and I fell insulated easy.

I have more of negative qualities.

And believe me...I know it.

To tell the true...I don't already know what's my true self.

I forgot it...my life changed it.

I changed.

Maybe I little lost myself.

But I never said I'm not happy with myself.

When there is something about my personality i don't like, I tried to change it.

And I succeeded.

I should get my thoughts in row before continue writing this.

It's hard, something just pop up...and sounds like it's good to write it.

*sigh*

I believe you should be pround to yourself.

To your personality.

Because in the end...you're the only person you'll live with to very end.

I don't want to be not honest to myself.

That's why I do acting like I do.

Someone told me "Show me your true self."

For me it's not easy.

I really forgot who I'm.

I started out like quiet child.

Went to the high school.

Found Visual kei.
This changed my life.

With roleplay.

You can say roleplay is silly.

But for me roleplay is writing stories no one wrote and which I wanna read.

Be person...mean, cute, evil...try this without hurt a real people.

I may seem egoist.

But I care for people.

I try so.

Sometimes unfortunately people see it like I'm even more selfish than normaly.

It not hurt me, just...make me sad.

Since I really tried.

So...for me roleplay is not just silly thing.

It helps my imagination to grow...to survive.

Without my imagination I'll not be able to survive this word so long.

I have my rebel years as well.

Not like normal puberty is.

I was around 17 back there.

If I ever spoke using a really bad language...it was just a short period.

My 17 was just...I don't know.

Just being mean to teachers...in kinda...elegant way.

I mean...it's hard to describe...*sigh*

Well...something like I taught how to say "No" and start to using it.

At that time I nearly never apologized.

But then got charmed with one person and became....somehow even selfdestructive.

Doing everything for make that person love me.

Such a big love...such a silly love.

In deep of my hard I still care about that person.

Unfortunatelly not so much in reality.

I don't remember every year of my life and how I acted.

But at high school, I was really often with my friend.

Lot of working on stories, beside rp..lot of writing.

I read a lot.

As I said this time I worked with my imagination lot.

This sound really clumsy write here my life.

But probably have to if I want to find something about myself.

Year or two later my important story became.

The character I worked hard on.

Character I felt in love with.

Character I can never forget.

My beloved Hazuki.

My dark lord.

The elegant piece of my soul.

Now thinking about it...we have in some point of view we have similar life.

But something about Hazuki first...

Hazuki had happy family with older and younger siblings.

But his beloved lil sister died because of illness.

Hazuki who was cheerful child felt in depressions.

Started to love black, macabre, lost faith in gods.

Even spend year of sanatory, hate sun and happiness.

The person he became was so sad, totally different, desperate.

Got depressions, people feared him, thought about him like of vampire.

But he met his soulmate.

Someone who got fascinated by him, or just too clumsy to leave him in his dark world.

His classmate with green hair.

Someone he was able to call friend and open to him a little.

You think it don't have anything to do with my personality...I think it do.

But after only year or so they're forced to seperate, Hazuki send to LA.

When he came back later, lot of things happened.

Both friends changed.

Tsuki went throught hard times.

Hazuki grew to dark, but elegant aristocrat.

To the person I ever wanted to be.

Charming, kinda cold, but elegant.

And somehow...it happend that Hazuki became my personality.

But since...I never can be like him, it happend to be kind of my wish.

I wish that someone give me opporturity to ack like him.

I dream of it.

Hazuki's life for now is happy.

Living with persons he care for and love them.

But...even like this Hazuki never be really happy.

He loves his partner so much...he do everything for him.

And they can't be different each other.

On one side Prince of darkness and on other Never get old punk.

To tell the true...Hazuki's personality never got...he can't be so much like he want.

He's still chained with something.

He can't be trully himself.

But still he's happy.

He know that even he had to change the person he want to be,

he do it for his eternal love.

And he know that Tsuki know it in the end.

And he love Hazuki for changing his personality, because Tsuki can't.

Hazuki's personality is kinda like mine in this thing.

But my friends will probably never get me.

Kind of long talking about Hazuki.

But this is big part of my life and my personality.

This is aristocratic piece of my heart.

It starts to be hard to write about myself.

I mean like this.

I have time when I got something like a splitted person.

I'm not like this anymore.

I'm dark and elegant, I'm cute, I'm angry, I'm happy and I'm even sad and depressed.

I have emotions like a normal person.

Maybe I'm kind of complicated...the most for myself.

There are (or was) times when I'm totally serious and maybe kinda hard.

There are times I act girly, lady like, flirtty maybe, beautiful and elegant.

Sometimes I'm just too harsh...arguing feeling insulted, feeling hurt.

Sometimes I can shine like a sun or be depressed and talking nonsenses for a looong times.

I'm somehow trapped between genders.

On one side I want to be like my male idols...Hazuki, Kamijo, Gackt, Dreizehn...and some more.

On other side I want to be like Kaya...girly and beautiful.

And I really can't decide.

I felt for visual kei and roleplaying soo much...wanting to be like some person.

I don't want to be "Kaya" or  "Gackt" I just want to have some part of their personality I adore.

I can say my idols are gods.

I can.
My problem is that I know they're not.

They're people.

Which means I can get near them.

There is nothing I'm not able to learn from them.

How to be awesome, how to be ladylike, how to be crazy.

That's my problem.

I learned lot of things from them.

Lot of thing they do in front of their fans, between their friends.

Lot of these are just play...being Dark king of vampires, being  lustful countess, being elegant lord, being sad girl which took her life because of onesided love.

Of course then came their true personalities I like as well.

Like Gackt's awesomnes, Asagi's cutteness and modesty, Kisaki's trolling.

But as I said people I look up to do this between their friend, in front of their fans.

I don't want to be egoistical again.

But I learned how to be like this.

I learned how to play personality I want to be.

Not everything in perfect way but I did.

It's not like I'm fake...I just want to try too much things for one life.

So that's how I became like this.

Today I find out about this.

I never got big role in school theatre, since being silent child, 

then I wasn't that good actor.

But now...there is not theatre anymore...

So I made world being my theatre!

To play all my soul...every piece outside...

Believe me...I'm not fake...I'm just myself.

I can be everything...and I want.

But to my way of personality...

I just was born in wrong body, in wrong country...but I don't give up.

But that's why I kinda suffer.

Because I don't get so much understandings.

My parents praised me for not takeing every joke so personal, for not argue that much than year or so before.

I changed myself to help myself and my dears around me.

But still they don't understand me.

I take myself like too overgoing person...maybe I'm too much.

But...do you really want to regret things you never done?

I don't want!

I'll rather regred my mistakes than whiles I was too..unsure/scared to do something!

This is one of points of my life! My personality!

This is one of reasons I'm like this!

And somehow...to know...to think this is one of right views of life...sometimes I'm too charged and take my friends with me!

To try it!

Sometimes I forgot we can be and think different!

People are fascinating me.

Really...

I can't get people thinking and I'm fascinating by this.

When there is world around me or even piece of it which can fall to my legs...why staying here?

I can go to Japan and be like lot of my visual kei idols.

But aside them...I don't have talent.

I got lost in my thoughts again...

Yeah...I'm egoist.

I desire for someone understand me.

For being fascinated by me.

By my personality.

Since I did cosplay of Gakupo...people says I have fans.

I'm not sure.

They say "You're awesome! Totally Gakupo!"

But I'm just acting awesome, acting egoistical in meaning "high to myself"

Nothing more nothing less...

I know lot of people writes they loves my Gakupo.

But all that love is only at the day of the festival and when I post I wanna quit with Gakupo cosplay.

I want to draw attention...but not with writting I'm quitting.

It's not because of hearing "You're awesome! Don't do it."

Gakupo is hard.

Being Gakupo is hard to me.

Exhausting.

I'm acting awesome and perfect knowing I'm not.

He's acting awesome and perfect because he's.

Both Gakupo and Gackt are perfect.

You can say it's not true...but as long as Gackt say he's perfect and mean it real, it's true.

Not because of I said so...sinply because it's.

I'm egoist.

Gakupo is egoist.

So where is the problem?

Why I'm suffering because of Gakupo?

Simply...we're rivals.

When I come somewhere at meeting or meet some friends of friends from cosplay or otaku community...of course no one knows me.

No single clue about my name or me.

But then I say I had cosplay on some fest.

Then I say I'm that Gakupo.

And they know me.

They praise me.

But in fact...they praise Gakupo.

How is it that I can play ego higher than mine is?

How it's people love him?

Because I'm actor. Because at time I have his wig...I'm full heart Gakupo.

And they believe it to me.

It's so exhausting.
And in the end when you think about it...I, myself have nothing from it.

Nothing more than happiness and feel I'm loved which is as long, as I have wig on.

And nothing more that people who cares for you just one single day at festival.

Again turned away from why I'm as I'm and got lost.

There is also that "I-don't-have-talent-for-anything" thing.

It's true!

All I do I started kinda late with this.

Drawing, playing bass, singing, designing...and aside from some of my friends...I don't have talent for it.

I'm not totally bad and I try and make progress.

But there is thing called "talent" I'm missing.

At least one or two of my friends can draw beautifuly.

I try hard several years, makes better, but still not enough.

At least on of my friends, took bass in her hands and played.

And at top of it can sing beautifuly.

She have talent for music.

I have to try hard, not hearing myself when I sing.

And even when I try hard there come some friend and say "She's better than you."

I know she's but this hurts.

Not all friends I'm talking about are still my friends.

Some of them somehow betrayed me, some of them just left me, with some of them I'm not in contact with.

Happens.

Talking about real friends...don't nearly have them...have one-two.

Sometimes appear someone who can understand me for some moment.

I don't want to talk about how my friends changed me...they did maybe a little.

But In the end I went all way myself.

Of course just few people who're doing something are good enough to not her "Someone's better than you."

Of course...everytime there is someone better than me.

I know it don't worry.

But...it hurt when everytime I'm trying hard you point to someone saying "She/he is better than you."

I feel really sad and depressed then.

Is it really problem say "You're good"?

Sometimes we have to swallow that thing "someones better" and just praise someone.

People are forgotting how to make someone happy.

Somehow I understand them.

For my really precious friend, who had less money then me

(even than I worked for them)

I bought lot of things.

It was small things, for make her happy.

I never wanted to buy her friendship...I just want to make her happy.

Seeing her happy smile made me really so happy.

But in the end she got it wrong.

I wanted to be happy, just in the end I lost her and...

It felt like betrayl and I got feeling like 

"Maybe she thought it real but in the end turn on getting things for me."

But only thing I wanted was make her happy.

 And she even laugh to me with her friends that I'm so stupid buying people presents and nothing get back.

This is what happens when I don't act selfish.

But still...I didn't give up making world happier.

Jus single thing is ok.

I myself got cheered then once some lady answered me "God bless you"

Cheering strange people by small things is way to be nice and don't end up like a dumb.

Once with friends we accidentaly met one foreign girl for three times and I end up telling her she's beautiful.

Because I thought she is.

If you have time, why don't you help tourist.

You can't talk english?

 In Paris people said same. But always helped me when I showed them adress of place I want to go.

I don't wanna appel to people to be all loving people.

I just say when I can I do.

Life taught me to do this.

And I have good feeling of this.

And not the selfish one.

Just like "Wow...maybe they feel little bit better now."

Because I did when someone act to me like this.

My points of view are strange. 

I admit.

I believe in fate.

But all I'm comes through what happens to my life.

I try to learn from past, but don't live there.

(ok...soemtimes got lost in happy memory)

I try to see world more beautiful and happier.

I live to not regret anything.

Sometimes you need friends to help you.

And when you do sometimes they're not here.

I learned to solve my problems...not...complications by myself.

And again there're times you need help of your friends.

But in the end...knowing your friends are here to help you is better than help.

I can count with them.

I can count that if I loose they'll help me.

This is precious to me.

And of course I have same thing with family.

My friends and family maybe don't get me.

My friends and family maybe don't get why I don't want their help.

I just don't want to "bother" them.

I have to prove myself that when I'll be left alone I'll not commit suicide.

But even this all is true.

Of course...I'm sad and depressed.

Now talking about friends consider my two closest friends.

When I'm sad and depressed it's mostly because of some stupidity,

someone said "she's better", or because of Gakupo syndrome...

Sometimes just because that I had badluck and life is meaner to me than normally.

Some of these black moments comes and pass.

Sometimes it's longer period.

Sometimes writing about sad things.

And sometimes thinks about suicide is easier.

At all I don't believe in this thing.

It'll mean I lost with life...and I'm too proud to give up!!!

But when I'm sad and especially if it's that longer period...I hurt my friends, even that it's last thing I want to do.

They may think that I don't mind and care.

Maybe not at the moment, but later everytime I do.

I feel bad for it.

I admire some of my friends they didn't leave me yet to tell the true!

But get my friendship...if you do so, when you get really close to me, I think it's precious thing.

I'm so oldfashioned.

I don't mind.

I always wanted have best friend.

But I'm happy with my close friends.

But I still try to be carring and make my friends happy.

I try to be loyal friend.

I'm selfish, but I can and try to be loyal.

I do really care for people who're dear for me.

I'm thankful that I have them.

And even having bad times...I'm happy to live.

I'm happy to get chance.

Please, take good care about me!

...and I got so lost so better stop here.

To tell the true...I know I often repead words.

English is not my mother language and all of this is just spontaneous.

I didn't really thing so much about this.

This somehow helped me to understand myself.

See myself kinda from distance.

When I started to write this I was sad and cried.

No I feel way better and I'm smiling.

Took me about 3hours but I think it worked as it have to.

And even thinking previously that I'm not gonna post this...I probably will.

Not so much people know about this blog.
And look at this!!!

No one gonna read something soooooo long about me!!!
XDDD

I hope so ^^"