Uneasy

Once again I'm home.




Actually that's not what I wanted to write about...

The thing is that I feel like losing myself.

It's not about change.
Just losing.

When I'm home with my family, 

with my two younger siblings,

I simply feel like a failure.

I cannot do anything right

and I just keep strugling.
Having them set quite high standarts.

There is not so many things I can be good at.

I know it.
My final exam at school was awesome...

...but that's all.
I'm not good in anything...actually I'm pretty bad I think.

Even my siblings don't really care,

yet I try to do.
But I can understand them.
We have nothing in common...

...except parents.

And the worst is when both of them are home together.

I sometimes feel like invisible.

I thought I found something I can do,

and which can kill some of my time in usefull way.

After one really good lolita meetup...

...

...everything stopped.

I can just go and make new meetup all alone...

...and on top I ended as the still-angry one again.

And also tried to be changed.

Problem is...that things I'm really

excited about to do,

I do with full of my heart.

So when I can organize something,

I'm happy but serious.

And I thought about help with

one girl's dream.

For making big event.

Really big one.

To do something I'll be good at,

and also which can make people happy.

I believe in myself with it.

I know what to do.

How to embrace that dream.

And I probably went too serious about it.

...just because I see it as serious thing.

I cannot help.

But they don't have time for it.

And since we're team of three...

...I cannot do it alone.

So all my excitement and whole the long time plan...

...just stopped.

And I just look into my notebook to kill my time.

I feel more sunken than I was before.

But they just wanna care about themselves.

When they need me, they call me.

But the worst thing is trying to change me.
Telling me that I should or shouldn't do this.

It makes me angry.

And even worst...

telling me that I'm nice and intelligent,

and that I can get over it.

Just give me break, please.

What do you know?

Sometimes I just cannot go over it.

I try to do everytime.

When my siblings nearly bully me.
When I try to do the best, to be carring,

to be good friend...to try to help others

and my lolita community...

And I just end up as a bad and angry one.

I was trying to help you with your dream,

and I ended up being lectured about me and my life.
When newbies are mean to you, just because

you showed you're human same as them.

Yeah, you all says it's fun.

But is it really?

How much you know about people,

before starting to repair their life even 

that you wasn't asked for help.

Since I do not need it.

Currently aside my family,

I need just two people...

...and my plush fox.

Don't ask for helping me...

...just give me break sometimes.

I forgot half things that I wanted to write.

I guess it's okay.

Since only who's gonna read it is me after some time.